three months down

well i havent blogged in a while, my life has become even more busy than it was. Im officially three months and 4 days along in this pregnancy journey. This week i decided to change doctors. I was seeing Dr. Kowalczyk. She's a great Dr. and a very nice lady. I choose her because she came and spent time with me in the room after abigale was born. She helped me with feeding. She was very kind and gentle and understanding. She's a mother and she's very down to earth. I've had one visit and one sonogram at her office. The ladies who do the scheduling are really the reason i changed. im sure theyre nice too, but they cancelled my appoinment and rescheduled 5 times. I was supposed to be seen tuesday and they called and cancelled ten minutes before my appointment time saying they made an error. They didnt want to reschedule me until mid January and i didn't want to wait that long.

Dr. Zapata delivered abigale. She is very upbeat and energetic. She loves to talk. She is like me in alot of ways.  She also is a nice lady and a great Dr. She will be seeing me for the remainder of my pregnancy. i called Tuesday, and had an appointment Thursday and they didn't cancel. I didn't choose Dr. Zapata from the beginning because i really enjoyed my experience with Dr. K i liked how calm and soothing she was. She has a very natural approach to birthing and parenting and i like it alot. Dr. Zapata will be fine too, but it will be different. I can remember her waltzing into the labor room and almost yelling "ok mom lets do this!" usually thats completely my style of doing things, babies are different.

I hope this child is a boy, and for some reason i think it is. Maybe its because i know that's what we all really want, or maybe its because it really is a boy. i thought abigale was a girl before i knew she was a girl. I got to hear the heart beat yesterday for the first time. it made me very happy. My morning sickness has been pretty intense and i haven't been feeling good. Hearing that for just a few moments made it all better. its all worth it in the end. I cant wait to see his or her little face and fingers and toes.

If this baby is a girl. We will wait a year or so and try again. The plan is to save money during that time so we can use a midwife. Midwives actually cost less than going the traditional route but my insurance doesn't cover it up front so it will cost about $3,000 up front. Traditional OB hospital births cost upwards of 10,000 to 25,000 depending on the amount and different kinds of medicine the mother chooses and doctors feel necessary.

i would love to have a natural home birth but this time it just wasnt feasible. For some people that sounds scary but believe me, ive done plenty of research and have talked to many people about it over the course of several years. If i chose a medical profession, i would want to be a licensed midwife. Their jobs are amazing.

Ricki Lake made a documentary about home births and it's pretty amazing i think. Of course, it is biased but what isnt. Here is the trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8h0SkPcs2U its on netflix. If you consider having a child you might give it a watch so you can form your own opinion.

bump update

So i had my first sonogram and everything went great. Abigale came along and she seemed to enjoy being included. She said it was cool. They kept my due date the same, June 27 and said the baby looks just as it is supposed to at this stage. its amazing how something so small at this point can cause so many changes. The surge of hormones is hardest for me. ha ha i'm sensitive anyway but oh boy watch out now! lol, also the morning sickness has kicked in with a vengeance. i love food and i love to eat but now i choose my food on which would be most pleasant to throw up. yuck. Here are some pictures. i know everyone seems to be having babies no so i wont carry on, just thought i would update in case you're wondering.

spawn update

I had an appointment with the baby havin doctor today. The nugget is so far so good. I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. my due date is june 27th. They gave me some prenatal vitamins, scheduled my blood work, and my first sonogram. Sono will be november 17th. i am so excited. no heart beat yet, but it should start beating by the end of the week. i also cant wait to hear that. :) i'm tired and my boobs hurt but other than that im doing very well. no vomiting so far yaaaayyy my blood pressure was high, but the didnt prescribe anything yet, Frankie said she wanted to wait until we did the blood work. Lets all hope it goes down, im not a fan of blood meds.

bundles of joy :)

baby at 4 weeks (embryo)

so i posted that i was gonna eat right and work out and be hard core healthy and lose weight.... well i take that back. i do still plan to eat healthy, and avoid caffeine, but now for a different reason. Jesse and I are having another baby!! i wasnt terribly surprised this time to find that i was pregnant. We weren't really "trying" as i see it. We just stopped using protection and man it didnt take long after that lol!! My first preggo appointment is October 27th at 9:30 and i cant wait :) This time around i'm more educated, and not nearly as nervous. i think i will enjoy it more. Maybe i wont have such bad morning sickness this time. I hope its a boy, im so excited. jesse is so excited. yay for babies. i feel very blessed to have all the support of my friends and family. All of the congratulations and well wishes have been wonderful. Abigale is excited too. She says she is a little nervous but she wants to be mommy's helper. She said she doesnt want to change poopy diapers tho because that stinks. Gotta love the mind of a five year old.

nom noms and boo's

i was at school yesterday diligently working on my database project (nothing like waiting til the last minute) i figured most of it out. only one technical difficulty. i hurried out of the classroom to answer my phone, jesse was calling. As a result of my rushing, i completely forgot to unplug my external hard drive and put it in my backpack. of course i didnt notice until later when i was getting ready for work. i called the school and begged them to look for it :( it wasnt there anymore. it has everything. my music, movies, data files for class that i MUST have. Even the christmas pictures emily took for us. Luckily, i have the pictures saved on my computer and another flash drive, but everything else is gone. My professor teaches several other classes so she promised to keep an eye out for it. im sad now :(
            i made myself two eggs over medium for breakfast. i also had a very ripe banana and a glass of apple juice. lunch probably wont happen. maybe some grapes or part of my dinner. dinner is italian herb baked pork chops (boneless sirloin) and fresh green beans. no pics yet.
            i worked out like a beast Sunday, and rode my bike to school yesterday and today. the wind today was crazy. i had to ride against the wind all the way there, but the return trip was nice. No yoga today.

food and yoga

Lately ive been terrible to my body. i have eaten more fast food that anything. very little vegetables, even less fruit. mostly fried meat and bread or potatoes, or both. ive been slacking on yoga. I think ive done it twice in the past two weeks. thursday october 6 is when the bad eating started so it hasnt been that long and already i feel horrible. im never hungry feeling but i eat anyway, i have no energy. ive gained about 5 pounds. ive allowed myself to do this as sort of an experiment. i realized how bad i was eating and continued, but today is the last day of that. luckily at home we dont but much junk food anyway, and i never buy soda. i hate diet plans, they never work. like how the hell am i supposed to not eat bread.... i love bread. if i had medical reasons not to eat bread then i wouldnt but otherwise gimme my bread!!
                      Starting tomorrow im going to be good to myself again. here is the goal. no fast food... if we do go to a fast food place as a family i will eat something, but i will try to keep it light and compensate for it in later meals that day. i am going to try to portion my meals so that i eat less meat and a bigger portion of vegetables. i will try to include more raw vegetables. they are loaded with micro nutrients that you lose when cooking. Micro nutrients are great for your cells, they clean them and keep them healthy giving us more energy, healthier looking skin, less headaches, and better sleep.
                       im also going to get back into my yoga practice. id like to do it every morning, but its hard with school so my goal is every other day. im also going to try to work out with jesse more on the weekends.
                       lastly, i watched a documentary on netflix called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. its about an australian dude that does a juice fast for 60 days. he looses tons of weight and increases every good health factor by alot. im not saying i want to do a juice fast, but id like to do more research and maybe buy a juicer. It makes sense, turn raw vegetables(micro nutrients) into a drink! they condense down alot so its much easier than trying to eat your full serving of vegetables each day. the down side that ive already noticed is the cost. good juicers are expensive, and the documentary stated that a juice fast costs about 15 dollars a day and an organic juice fast costs over 28 dollars a day.
                        i will take pictures of my food and maybe some yoga poses. ill post my weight each week, and we will see what happens. i miss waking up feeling hungry, and without a headache. :)

motivational speaker

lately i am lacking motivation to work or go to school, or do much of anything really except spend time with my family. i know i have some pto left and everyday when i get to work i think 'man i should have just stayed home.' sure everyone gets lazy on occasion, but my occasion keeps extending itself longer and longer. i try to think positively. my job isnt hard or stressful, i just dont want to anymore. i'm in a slump and i need to get out of it. ive got to work, i need to go to school. i need to get over it and deal. today i called in. im excited. ill get to help abigale get ready for dance, and then we are going out to dinner and it will be great. i cant imagine how people deal with being separated from the people they love. darien, jo, yall are troopers. i feel silly complaining about my life compared to the separations you both have faced and are facing. you are both very strong women and i admire that.

dare to dance the tide

"you know a dream is like a river
ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry"

zombie tayelor

the week days make me feel like a zombie robot. i thought id get accustomed to the routine of getting up early taking a short nap going to school then going to work, but i really haven't. the nap i so desperately need doesnt come easy and if i do take the nap i have no time to do anything around the house or cook anything decent. i love to cook. i love home cooked home made not out of a box food. i miss it. i rarely cook anything home made anymore. at most i cook meat say pork chops because theyre fast, and some canned vegetables and thats it. Jesse doesnt complain;  the food gets eaten, but it isnt the same. i miss the satisfaction i get from cooking. i also miss my family. i miss meal time together. abigale is doing great in school, she is very bright. 6 30 comes so early but its the only time i see her. monday through friday we have one hour a day together. With jesse its even less. i see him for maybe 10 minutes at work and then he mumbles to me in his sleep when i get into bed. its hard not to feel lonely. the aloneness mixed with the stress of trying to do more than i am able gets to me. jesse is so supportive, i would probably fall apart and go crazy without it.

even though life isnt easy for me right now i am optimistic. this tough routine i am putting myself through will come with rewards eventually. i will finish my degree and get an awesome job that i can be proud of.

always look forward and never look back.
i think ill try sleep. wish me luck

sidewalks and boiling seas

my two favorite poems ever are where the sidewalk ends and the walrus and the carpenter. Both written for children, but they make my heart sing. They remind me of the innocence of being a kid again. I can remember that excitement that came with being a kid. My dad brought home two barbie dolls to me and my sister. Mine was Bell and Kelsey's was Cinderella if i remember correctly. We were so excited. We got that innocent happiness that children so often feel. That feeling is something that a lot of people lose as they grow into adults. i think we could all use some of that happiness. for me, its going to the bookstore. i feel like "a kid in a candy store" with so many choices; so many books begging to be read. i used to want a nook or a kindle but have since changed my mind. it would rob me of my innocent happiness that i get from the bookstore, and i just cant give that up. Everyone has something that makes them feel that way, you just have to find it. 

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

           -from the walrus and the carpenter by lewis carroll 

 where the sidewalk ends 

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

                       -shel silvertein 

       

its only 8 am

its only 8 am but i've been awake since 6:45 (got an extra 15 minutes thanks to jesse). i really dislike the fact that this site doesnt automatically capitalize things and punctuate for me. im lazy so most of my stuff probably will lack both punctuation and capitalization, especially if its 8 am. i love reading my friends blogs. i just recently discovered that they exist and im so glad for that. it makes me feel closer. they know what i mean. my hope for this blog is simply to stay better connected to the people i love, and maybe to discuss some things you would probably never hear me talk about in person. with that said, if youre reading this keep an open mind. reply respectfully if you wish; question if you like. life isnt a highway(sorry rascal flatts) straight and wide and smooth. its a long, winding, narrow road through the mountains with ups, downs, and surprises around every corner. life is what you make it; this is mine.